The Nog Network

TERMS AND CONDITIONS

Upon viewing of all material published on this server, hereinafter referred to as these pages, the viewer/web surfer/FCC Censor, hereinafter referred to as you, "hey you," lamer, pudding-head, idiot, unproductive twit, or lazy-ass non-contributing member of society, and the author/publisher/relcutant HTML writer, hereinafter referred to as I, me, we, us, The Management, The Vicious Third-World Military Regime, or Legal Possessors of Your Immortal Soul, agree to the following:

1. You will use your brain while accessing these pages;
2. You willingly and knowingly accessed these pages with the express intent of reading their content;
3. You were not at all surprised when I used mildly insulting language to refer to you in the opening paragraph;
4. I willingly and knowingly published these pages with the express intent of making them publicly available to anyone with one of them web browser thingies;
5. I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat, poor pussy, poor pussy cat;
6. You may not make any claims against any warranty, expressed or implied, by any of these pages, because I have offered no such warranty;
7. You understand that these pages are not fit for any particular purpose, and what you do with the information is entirely your business and not mine;
8. I shall not be responsible if you didn't like what happened when you used the information you found;
9. Elvis Presley is dead;
10. You are a lying, cheating, dishonest, and unclean descendant of a motherless goat if you take anything I have composed from these pages without first acquiring my permission and then giving me due credit;
11. You deserve to have a complaint filed against you in a court of law if you engage in such dishonest behaviour;
12. I am the egg man, they are the egg men, I am the walrus, goo-goo-g'joob;
13. Anything seen on any page was written by the person credited on the page, unless otherwise specified;
14. You have seen the blue ribbon icon, and understand it to mean that I, in addition to any other people whom I permit to add content to these pages, will put whatever they bloody well please on the pages which they have written or to which they have contributed;
15. Unix and its descendants (especially anything BSD-derived) will always be here;
16. If you call me at home and get my answering machine, you will leave a message clearly identifying yourself, and, if the situation requires, you will leave enough information in your message so that I may contact you in a reasonable amount of time;
17. You could use a good beating with a cl00bat;
18. If you failed to leave such a message on my answering machine when you could have, you fully expect me to use *69 (Pacific Bell calls it "call return") to track you down if possible, even if this causes your phone to ring at an inopportune or otherwise inconvenient time;
19. You are not ready for immortality;
20. You will not send to any of my electronic mail addresses unsolicited commercial electronic mail, otherwise known as "spam;" if you do, it is subject to an archival fee to be set at my discretion for which I will bill you at my discretion;
21. You will not complain about the lack of Java, JavaScript, frames, advertisements, animated images, sounds, warez, pornography, fluorescent colours, style sheets, or other such blinkenlights on these pages;
22. You will not complain about the presence of human-readable text, reasonably-sized images, or references to barnyard animals on these pages;
23. You will practice good oral hygeine habits for the next 24 hours;
24. I am Eggplant Boy;
25. You know your father can never be turned from The Dork Side of The Farce;
26. You will read the rest of this disclaimer, or you'll be sent to bed early, without supper;
27. Microsoft did not invent TCP/IP;
28. Software which blows up in your face after 30 or 60 days and provides no means of uninstalling itself sucks;
29. Butter is better than margarine; it was, it is, and it always will be;
30. You acknowledge that I am capable of sending and receiving PGP-encrypted material, and I would prefer it if you need to (or want to) send me anything via electronic mail;
31. Fantastic Foods makes vegetarian chili that my meat-eating friends really like;
32. Sometimes, a phallus is just a phallus;
33. I am a fick sisted twuck, sanity is relative, and normal exists only in a mathematical sense;
34. This statement is false;
35. 2 + 2 = 5, for sufficiently large values of 2;
36. One gallon (3.8 liters) of milk should not cost two to three times as much as an equivalent volume of the refined petroleum products used to power the vast majority of automobiles on the roads today;
37. Christmas is way too commercial in the United States, even though I do not consider myself Christian in any sense;
38. The Moog Cookbook are more punk than you can possibly imagine;
39. Sheep are not the answer; sheep is the question, "no" is the answer;
40. There is no ZUUL, only Nick Weaver;
41. The Nog Network is not a company or a commercial venture, but a network of machines owned and operated by a private citizen, and any attempts to treat The Nog Network like a company will fail dismally;
42. If taste could talk, it would say Andronico's;
43. Use of the trademarks and copyrights of others within these pages is not intended as a challenge to their ownership;
44. I challenge you, heathen;
45. You can distinguish the joke portions of this disclaimer from the serious portions, and bringing up a lawsuit about this disclaimer is frivolous;
46. Starbucks must die;
47. The Japanese public are stranger than the American public can possibly imagine;
48. What I do with black bean garlic sauce is my business;
49. Television sucks, but public television rules; radio isn't as bad, but public radio still rules;
50. Most governments should remove their heads from their arses about strong encryption;
51. Portable telephones, from cellular to PCS, cause brain cancer and/or stupidity;
52. These pages are proud to be fully ISO 9069 Buzzword non-compliant;
53. Eevribødi børk børk børk;
54. Any opinions presented here are those of the people who wrote them and not anyone else, unless otherwise stated;
55. Bunga bonga blooie;
56. I should really go to bed now.

If you do not agree to any of these conditions, please go somewhere else. We cannot be held responsible for damages occuring to yourself, your mental or physical health, your possessions, or your dearly beloved (and I do mean dearly beloved) livestock if you do not leave this site with all necessary haste.