title: The Detonate Game
category: transportation
epoch: 1097788845
content: |
    <p>Those of you who know me in real life have probably heard of my
    peculiar habit of saying "detonate" for no readily apparent reason.</p>

    <p>Okay, so it's actually pretty apparent that it's a reaction to
    one of the great symbols of the American apogee: the luxury
    sport-utility vehicle (<acronym>SUV</acronym>).</p>

    <p>Here's a game the whole (lower- or middle-class) family can play.
    It measures this scourge upon the American road, too!  When you
    spot one of the vehicles on the list, say the phrase, point out the
    vehicle, and tally the points.  Only the first person to spot the
    vehicle and say the phrase gets the points.  Rules-lawyering is
    encouraged.</p>

    <table border="1">
        <thead>
            <tr>
                <td align="center"><strong>Phrase</strong></td>
                <td align="center"><strong>Score</strong></td>
                <td align="center"><strong>Vehicles</strong></td>
            </tr>
        </thead>
        <tbody>
            <tr>
                <td>"Detonate Detonate DETONATE!!"</td>
                <td>30</td>
                <td><a href="http://www.hummer.com/">HUMMER H2</a></td>
            </tr>
            <tr>
                <td>"Detonate, detonate!"</td>
                <td>20</td>
                <td><a href="http://www.cadillac.com/cadillacjsp/models/gallery.jsp?model=escalade&df=y">Cadillac Escalade</a></td>
            </tr>
            <tr>
                <td>"Detonate."</td>
                <td>10</td>
                <td>
                    <p>Any other luxury SUV.  Use your judgment.</p>
                </td>
            </tr>
            <tr>
                <td>"Tick."</td>
                <td>1</td>
                <td><p>Any full-size non-luxury SUV or pickup truck which
                looks too clean (or too empty) to be used as anything
                but basic personal transportation.</p></td>
            </tr>
        </tbody>
    </table>

    <p>Special exceptions:</p>

    <ul>
        <li>
            <p>The HUMMER H1 could be worth 30 points, but I advise
            against yelling the indicated phrase within earshot of those
            who drive them.  They might have firearms mounted on their
            vehicle.</p>
        </li>
        <li>
            <p>Land Rover SUV's which are covered with dirt and mud are
            worth 0.  A city-bound Land Rover which doesn't get washed
            regularly is still worth 10.</p>
        </li>
        <li>
            <p>If it's packed full of people, you only get half points.
            Round fractional points down.</p>
        </li>
        <li>
            <p>Souped-up or tricked-out SUV's are not worth any points
            in and of themselves, but it could be amusing to say "Oooh,
            sorry about your small penis."</p>
        </li>
    </ul>

    <p>If the Detonate Game is too depressing for you, try the Celebrate
    Game instead!</p>

    <table border="1">
        <thead>
            <tr>
                <td align="center"><strong>Phrase</strong></td>
                <td align="center"><strong>Score</strong></td>
                <td align="center"><strong>Vehicles</strong></td>
            </tr>
        </thead>
        <tbody>
            <tr>
                <td>"Celebrate Celebrate CELEBRATE!!!"  (orgasmic noises also accepted)</td>
                <td>30</td>
                <td>Any all-electric, hydrogen-, or solar-powered vehicle</td>
            </tr>
            <tr>
                <td>"Celebrate celebrate!!"</td>
                <td>20</td>
                <td>Any vehicle powered by biodiesel, methanol, or natural gas</td>

            </tr>
            <tr>
                <td>"Celebrate."</td>
                <td>10</td>
                <td>Full hybrids</td>
            </tr>
            <tr>
                <td>"Yay!"</td>
                <td>1</td>
                <td>Sub-compact cars</td>
            </tr>
        </tbody>
    </table>

    <p>Either game gives a crude metric of how brain-damaged (or
    progressive) the American motorist is.  Near where I live, I suspect
    that the scores for these two games on a given day favor the Detonates
    heavily.</p>